I am no longer pregnant...

There I said it. 

And it hurts.

Bad.

I am going to talk about it now
and then not again.

We planted a Dogwood tree in memory of both our baby and our marriage. The Dogwood tree is also known as the Whipple tree, it is the same tree we planted on our wedding day. A special thank you to our family who lovingly made the tree a possibility for us. We love you so much!

Most of you already know

probably not from me 

but from others 

who through the grapevine passed the word along

when I just wasn't strong enough to utter the words myself

I thought for a long time about this post 

but I also thought for a long time 

"I will never be able to go back to my blog. My last post was all about my first two months of being pregnant"
"I had already composed my entire account of the third month"

Then I thought

"do I take my last few posts down?"

"do I delete them into cyber oblivion?"

The pain of looking at them was too raw and too deep. 

But guess what ...

my first months of being a mother were inexplicably wonderful and beautiful.

And while I would love to delete this memory into oblivion 

I can't 

It would be the inappropriate way to end something so sensational

While it hurts, pregnancy was the best thing I didn't mean to do. 

 Life teaches you the most difficult lessons when you are least expecting them.

For a while I thought
how unfair the whole experience was
to be pregnant by surprise
to accept the pregnancy
to have just enough time to start dreaming
It really just seemed so wrong
And while each day gets easier
I still think about it everyday

The only thing that I believe to justify the experience is this...

Maybe here on earth we need to lose our babies. 

Maybe 1 in 5 women need to suffer the pain of miscarriage
for a greater purpose and reason. 

I think of all people who never have had a chance to experience the joy of family.

I think of all the little girls and boys who lost their life too soon,

they deserve a family too.

I have to believe that this whole experience

is so that those in heaven 

might have a little darling to raise as their own. 

If Mary can watch her only son die on the cross 

so that we can have life 

then I can send my child into the caring arms of God and his sweet angels

 so they can experience life. 

Maybe I'm wrong 

maybe I'm right 

that's the thing about these difficult lessons

you don't really know until your day has come
But it helps me get through my day

 And while each day we will admire our tree
and think of our sweet darling
we will wait 

until the day we are called home.

And when we get there

we will hold tight to our blond haired blue eyed boy or girl 

who lives in radiance
and is being rocked by the sweetest of God's angels....